Donald Trump raises the hand of J.D. Vance, author of book "Hillbilly Elegy", as his running mate.

A rootfop shooter took shots at former President Donald Trump during his rally in Butler, Pennsylvania. He survived and soon began fisting. His bloodied ear was struck by a piece of the teleprompter beamsplitter which was shattered by a bullet. For all the bitching Mr. Trump has done about unsatisfactory teleprompter service providers at his rallies, it may now be that a teleprompter saved his life.

Doctors indicate that the release of ten successive flatuli may be an indicator of good things to come. "There's nowhere to go from there but up," says one.

Doctors indicate that the release of ten successive flatuli is a sure sign of immediate impending death. "In all my years of practice, I've never seen anything good come from it," says one.